I talked for 68 minutes this morning to a guy who was into inflatable beach toys. No, really!

He wanted to talk about how I would step on them and deflate them, and then how I would go about bursting them. Maybe carelessly, maybe deliberately.

Well, I would put on my sharpest, sexiest high heeled shoes—you know, the kind that is totally inappropriate to wear at a pool or the beach—and step on them, first with the toe of the shoe, then rocking back a little on the heel until it went POP!

Do you have an unusual fetish? Call me!

I do phone sex on Niteflirt.

Niteflirt has some very specific rules about what flirts can put in their listings, and what they are able to talk about. When you look at the site, you can see that flirts don’t have photos that contain certain things, like naked genitals and nipples. There are certain topics that are never mentioned in listings, but there are plenty of listings where flirts assure you they have “no taboos”, “no limits”, and will do or say absolutely anything.

The problem is that it’s not immediately clear from looking at the site that rules about conversations exist. You’d have to dig down pretty deep to find the adult policy, which would probably surprise you. Flirts are forbidden to discuss just about all topics that would fall under “no taboos” in the phone sex industry.

That doesn’t mean that you won’t occasionally find a flirt who will discuss such topics. But I have heard a great many flirts with “no taboo”, “anything goes”, and “I have no limits” written in their listing say that there are a great many topics that are off-limits to them, which seems like something that would mislead the customer.

Niteflirt’s forbidden topics include:

• Underage roleplay, including any discussion of underage
• Rape
• Incest

There are lots of others. But these are the ones that come up most often for me as caller requests.

The only way to work around them is to not go outside the limits. You can use your own imagination. If you want me to be younger than you, sure. I will be younger than you, and quite naive. I could be any age and be that way. But if you tell me that you want me to be 12 years old, I will have to say “no”. I like working on Niteflirt and I don’t want to lose my account.

“Rape” is also forbidden. But I can be your willing submissive who you are punishing, or maybe even a kinky slut who gets off having rough sex with strangers.

Don’t ask for incest. It can’t be done on Niteflirt.

I hate spam. Unfortunately, most comments are pure spam, be they long lists of links trying to sell porn, fake prescription drugs, insurance, or any number of fake companies, or even affiliates for legitimate companies that don’t really care how their services and products are promoted, so long as they get sales. A lot of spam comments contain a generic paragraph praising the content (without saying anything about it) with a link back to some sort of site.

Neither you, dear reader, nor I should click links in any kind of spam, as it can lead to malware taking over your computer, stealing your identity, emptying out your bank account, etc. I know I could edit out those links, leaving only the true comment text. But despite the fact that the text of such spam may sound good (in its own bland, half-interested way), I’d seriously rather have no comments than fake ones.

Heck, I could write my own comments if I wanted to.

So all the fake comments go into the spam folder and stay there until I delete them.

I know it’s mostly bots, not real people, especially since this blog doesn’t have many outside links.

But I know sometimes real people do this kind of thing. I have special fantasies about torturing people who vandalize blogs in this way.

Do you fantasize about doing mean things to people who send spam? Do you ever think about how satisfying it would be to torture such a person, and how richly they deserve it? Call me, we can play this roleplay out as a team!

A guy who just wanted to have noisy sex. How refreshingly innocent!

Not to let politics intrude, but just last week the Supreme Court ruled that public schools violated the rights of a girl when they strip-searched her, including looking inside her underwear, after someone reported that she was in possession of prescription-strength ibuprofen.

The illustrious Clarence Thomas…

Maybe not so illustrious, considering his spotty history in gender and rights issues. He wrote a breathtakingly absurd minority opinion stating that it is perfectly reasonable to strip search a girl against there is no evidence that she has contraband, and that girls who have such contraband, even though they are not aware they are under suspicion or anticipate being questioned, would naturally keep such pills in their panties or bras.

Reread it. He thinks girls normally keep Advil in their panties. There is something so perverted beyond words about that. I can’t help but picturing him playing with his penis as he was writing it.

Now Niteflirt does not want us to do underage roleplay, but I’m sure there is plenty that a person could still do with that fantasy and stay within the rules.

It was late, and almost everyone had gone home. She was wearing a short, tight red dress that did nothing to hide her round ass. As she straightened up in the conference room, he watched. Reaching up to put things on a high shelf made her dress pull up even higher. He heard she liked it rough. He had been fantasizing about being alone with her for a very long time.

He tiptoed into the room, grabbed her right hand, and handcuffed her wrists behind her back before she knew what was happening. He roughly kissed her mouth, deeply, and squeezed her ass, feeling her respond as he fingered her pussy. When he pushed her face down on the table and pulled up her skirt, she spread her legs for him and moaned slightly. He put his cock up against her tight little asshole and pushed hard. She screamed…

She said she had a lot of studying to do for her finals. But was she studying when the kids’ father came home from his night out? No…

She was sitting at the computer, watching porn, panties on the floor, playing with her pussy. The women on the screen were getting their asses fucked.

When he spoke, it startled her. She didn’t want anyone to find out about this, and she was willing to do anything. That was what he wanted, of course…

I was so disappointed to see the little cock thingy you’ve got there. You had me so hot and wet, and what a letdown! I just cried and cried, and it made you feel so inadequate!

A 3 minute mp3 for those of you who get off hearing a woman gasping for breath, begging not to be sadistically tickled.

He didn’t tell me at first that he had a little dick. He said he was intrigued by the idea of crying, but maybe not so much the screaming or the pain.

I cried, wept, sobbed because of how dissappointed I was at the size of his penis. He loved it.